Easter

As Zombie Awareness Week draws to a close, we celebrate the miraculous restoration of the three-day old corpse of an ancient Palestinian cult leader, moldering in the desert heat, to glorious, malodorous life. To commemorate this holy occasion, we eat candy in the shapes of pagan symbols of fertility and lust: eggs, chicks, and bunnies (as in, to fuck like ____ ).

It took me a long time to realize that this fluffiest of holidays – we got to eat Peeps and stay home from school – was actually about sex and death and zombies. We hide the truth under cloying pastel colors and magical anthropomorphic bunnies, but the story of Jesus rising from the grave and then marrying his own still-virginal mother is actually interesting. And morbid and horrifying and awesome.

Eminent internet scholars have written on the zombie Jesus hypothesis, and most agree that it is likely that he did once walk the Earth. Indeed, he may be lurching around still. Uncyclopedia records a fragment of the Apocrypha dealing with this version of the Resurrection:

It was as the subtle, burning glances of His onlooking Roman captors, the remorsefully sullen followers became more stricken with terror, fright, and penance that Zombie Jesus returned to this world, forcing his broken, tired limbs, blood-stained from the mortal wounds he had suffered, to pull his undead carcass from the rough hewn Cross so that he might seek the most appropriate Earthly sustenance deserved of the sacrificed son of God: a crimson river of Flesh and Brains to satiate his heavenly hunger.

I leave you with an earworm, composed on the fly by friend and praetorian guard Nate. It goes to the tune of “I Saw Three Ships”, and should be sung with enthusiasm in public places, preferably in two or three-part harmony.

The Virgin Mary and Zombie Christ

On Easter Day, on Easter Day

The Virgin Mary and Zombie Christ

On Easter Day in the morning!